Speaker 1 (00:00):

[inaudible] welcome back to

Speaker 2 (00:13):

The female leaders on fire podcast podcast for women leading in the corporate world who want to be a force for good and make a real difference. I am your host. My name is Nicola Buckley. And in today’s episode, I’m super excited because we’re going to be talking all about self-care and how it really is going to help you to be the most powerful and impactful female leader that you can be and why it’s so needed. So I’m going to be talking about what is, self-care this kind of myth around self care and what it actually is, why you might struggle with it and feel a bit resistance and just find it difficult to put yourself first, the truth about what it actually is and five steps to start to implement it. So let’s get cracking, but I am so excited to share some of these tips today, uh, because I know this is something that many leaders struggle with.

Speaker 2 (01:03):

Self care is something that comes up again and again for my clients, um, the amazing women in my audience. And it seems like the further up the ladder you go, the less time, the less energy and the less love there is for self care. The less there is left of you to actually think about yourself. And it’s actually with many of my clients. It’s one of the first focuses of when we start coaching together to really focus in on that day to day of finding your fire and your day to day, and not just having a diary that owns you, that you’re rushing all day to keep up with, not just having days that just have zoom calls booked back to back to back and not just rushing from one commitment to the next to the next, but actually about having some time for you actually within that day, having some joy some time for joyous and time for things that you love some time for just to have some space for you.

Speaker 2 (01:58):

And with that setting boundaries and saying, no, I’m really when we first start working together. So many of the women that I work with already so busy, the office staff is really all about helping them make their day-to-day better, which sounds incredibly basic, but it’s so, so important to creating that time and space to do that deeper inner work, many leaders that I know many female leaders that I know, and that I’ve worked really struggled with the idea of self-care that idea of making themselves a priority, the idea of making a time and commitment to themselves, above everything else in their life. And actually in that they just lay less than their value and their less than their worth. And it comes up again and again and again. And is that the sense of further up the ladder you go the less time and energy there is for self care because you’re so involved in the running of the business, you have so many demands placed upon you.

Speaker 2 (02:54):

You have so many people needing your time and your input, whereas actually, how would it be to role model and be a woman be that powerful female leader that is role modeling, having that time and space themselves, role modeling, taking good care of themselves, role modeling, making time for the things that they’re passionate about, role modeling, looking after themselves, having their heads and having their nails done their eyebrows, done, whatever that means to them. And that self-care means to them. So to the angle we talk about self-care and what it is I’m then going to be talking about. I don’t just mean that, that superficial level of self care Eva, I mean the deepest stuff, I’m going to talk about why it might feel icky and difficult and challenging, and why you might feel resistant to it, that we’re going to be talking about the truth about self-care and what you actually need to know, and hopefully some realizations there.

Speaker 2 (03:46):

And then I’m going to give you some steps, five steps that I know from working with thousands of clients that really helps them to start to implement some self-care. So when my clients first come to me, one of the first areas we look at is actually about making their day-to-day better, which might sound incredibly basic, but it’s really, really powerful to help them create that time and space to go on, to do the deep work, to really truly know who they are and know what they want in life. If there are a point in life when they’re so busy that they’re have jam packed days where they’re rushing from zoom call to zoom call, where they don’t feel like they have the time to do the actual work, where they’re very much in reaction mode, we’re never going to be in that space in their own mind to be able to do that deeper work, to really get super clear on who they are and what they want and really find their fire again.

Speaker 2 (04:38):

So it’s an incredibly powerful exercise to go through, to kind of take back control of your day to day and be able to say no, and to be able to set boundaries so much. So we’re going to be talking about that in the next podcast, but just for today to realize that this is essential work, this isn’t just a nice to have. Self-care isn’t just a nice to have. It’s a necessity. It’s something that you need to come back to you. It’s something that you need to come back to feeling in control and knowing who you are really finding your fire. You’re not going to find your fire and find that passion, excitement, and purpose. When you’re so busy in yourself, you’re sacrificing yourself. And you’re almost at a point of martyrdom where your needs are so such a low priority that you just kind of forgotten who you are.

Speaker 2 (05:25):

So I’ve worked with a lot of clients that struggle with self-care and the sort of things that come out. I thought I’d just share some examples, but there was one particular client who had been through a really difficult time through their work, but also through their relationship. And they were going through a separation and then a divorce. We worked together and we were going through that process of really helping them find who they were again. And when we first started working together, I remember even now I remember our first call when we just started speaking about working together and we were just getting to know each other and see how, how we fitted together. And she was just, she was very teary. She’s very emotional. She was feeling like she’d lost that sense of who she was. And I remember the word she said to me, I don’t know what I love when we’re talking about her passions and her loves and yeah.

Speaker 2 (06:11):

What she likes to do when she’s not working. And she said those words, I don’t know what I love anymore. She just lost that sense of her identity for giving so much, for so long to our work, but also to her relationship. So it’s an incredible journey to go through with her, to help her really make her day to day feel good and feel exciting again for her to find a fire in that, to then do that deeper work, to know if, for her to know exactly who she was right here right now and what she wanted from life and in that, what were her loves? What were her passions and how to take care of herself day in, day out on weeks that were flat out on busy on weeks. So it a little bit slow, but how to kind of support herself through her week is that’s a super, super powerful example.

Speaker 2 (06:59):

I’ve also worked with another client and for her, it was just getting to the end of the week and being so exhausted on a Friday, not just that tired, not just that end of week tiredness, but bone tired. She’d be falling asleep at the end of her Friday afternoon. She would just struggle to commit to anything on a Friday or over the weekend because she would essentially spend a whole weekend recovering. And then that wasn’t really quality time with her partner or her family because she’d given so much all week and she’d not taken care of herself as supportive. So for those really, really busy weeks and with clients that I work with, it almost gets to the point of self neglect where you’re so low down the process, that those basic elements of self-care of just making sure that you have time to shower and brush your hair and put on some Nikes clothes to have some exercise in whatever way that feels good to you to cut your nails, to go and have your hair done.

Speaker 2 (07:53):

I know it’s been a bit challenging for a lockdown anyway, but those become so far down the priority list that it becomes almost neglectful. And you can almost get to that point of martyrdom where your needs are so low. And you’re so low down that priority list that you are just it’s it’s into martyrdom. There’s no other way to say it. It is martyrdom. You’re sacrificing you. You’re sacrificing your time, your diary and your energy to everyone else first, and you’ve forgotten your own needs. And you’re just, you’re not caring for yourself. You’re not supporting yourself. And it’s really, really important to get to really realize and know, and understand when that’s happening and be able to know what are the steps or help bring you out of that and to start supporting yourself and start caring for yourself gain and that sacrifice and self neglect, where we lose that sense of how to look after ourselves and what we actually need it then kicks back in really heavily when we’re at the point of survival.

Speaker 2 (08:51):

So I’ve worked with clients that have signed off with depression. I’ve worked with who are struggling, huge of anxiety. I’ve worked with clients who are at the point where they want to just hand them the notice because they’ve given so much for so long, and there’s not been that regular self-care, there’s not been any sense of what they need or making that a priority. And it does get to the point where that sup that self-care, isn’t just a nice to have. It is a necessity. It becomes about survival. And I don’t want that for you. I want you to be able to imagine being a woman that takes good care of herself, that has elements of self-care, that she absolutely loves that she enjoys, that she revels in to nurture and to feel good, and to have that energy and that excitement and that passion.

Speaker 2 (09:38):

Because every time you take that step to look after yourself, every time you do something that pits yourself as a priority you’re role modeling to the world and that your team and your loved ones, and the people around you, your role modeling your value and your worth and how important you are, and that you should be respected. And that you look after yourself to other people who are going to see that, and they will start to see that and respect that value and that worth. So self-care, isn’t just about the nice to have self-care is much deeper than that. Self-care is about bringing yourself up that priority list and just making that consistent time and effort for you. So what is an actual definition of self-care? Let’s have a look at that and let’s just say have a really good thing about what it actually means.

Speaker 2 (10:30):

Um, for me, self-care is not just the physical and the body, and that is a huge industry itself. That’s a multi billion dollar industry across the world that looking at your physical and your body self, and that the superficial, that sense of it’s about your face mass and your bath bombs and your hand cream and those, those things that easier, because it’s just, that’s a superficial level, but that is just easier to understand, and that is easier to implement. It’s easier to do, but there’s also a need to be brave and bold and go deeper than that. And actually just go under the surface and not just stay at that superficial level of self care, that is about the physical and about the body. Because really to me, self-care goes a lot deeper than that. Self-care is about essentially meeting your needs when you need it.

Speaker 2 (11:23):

And there’s two challenges, challenges with this really there’s about firstly being so busy and stuck in that business that you don’t actually know what you want. So you do then look to those simple fixes of the face mask or the candles or the bath bombs, but really it’s that that’s looking very externally. Again, this is about leading internally. This is about knowing yourself and having that sense of what you want and what you need. It’s about putting your own needs first. And it’s actually about being a little bit selfish and that reversal of that martyrdom, um, being a little bit selfish to really get that time, love and energy back for you. So it’s all about meeting your needs when you need it. And it’s that, what do I actually want and knowing what you want. And then second part is then creating that time, committing to that time, to actually experience it, enjoy that in your life.

Speaker 2 (12:22):

So that self-care splits into two elements, really. So there’s the physical so that your body and your physical wellbeing. So how do I feel in my own skin? What am I eating? How am I sleeping? Am I getting out in nature? I, my meditating, am I journaling? Am I doing things that I feel good in my own skin from? And then there’s also the emotional, so your needs and when you need it. So that’s maybe some times that’s that you need some space and some quiet and some peace, and maybe some times that that’s, you need that connection and that energy of other people. And like I said, self care is really about meeting your needs when you need it. And it’s that process that to set process, firstly, recognizing what you actually need when you need it. And the second part is really committing to it and getting into your diary and honoring that time, like you would an appointment with someone else, why do we tend to be so resistant?

Speaker 2 (13:16):

What do we find difficult about this idea of self-care and knowing that what an impact it has on us as a female leader. So I think there’s a few elements there. So I was thinking about this was kind of right in my notes for show and also from my experience with clients. But I think, I think there’s an element that it feels quite, [inaudible] almost feels quite hippie-ish and it feels quite overly simplistic. And how can those simple things of looking after yourself more? How can they be that powerful? What is the impact going to be me or me as a female leader? If I sleep better or I drink more water or I wear something that I love, what is, how is that going to have that impact to get to the next level, to be recognized more and respected more, and that resistance coming from how can something so simple be that powerful, but you, we know that it is because again, it goes back to that definition of self-care, which is giving yourself what you need when you need it.

Speaker 2 (14:10):

The second reason, I think that was so resistant to it is because as a leader, you want to be perceived as strong. You want to be perceived as someone that can really has that energy. And it has that consistent energy to support those around you, to be the one that people come back, come to that when they need answer or they need a support, or they need someone to challenge the status quo. You want to be seen as that really strong leader and is self-care potentially seeing that as a bit of a sign of weakness, a sign that you’re not coping assigned, that you’ve got too many plates juggling, and that you’re actually started. Things are starting to slip, but it’s actually the opposite of that. That we’ll talk about in a minute, but it’s, it’s essentially a gang. You knowing what you need when you need it.

Speaker 2 (14:55):

The third reason, I think it’s just around not making time for it. Just literally just having a diary. That’s so fallen with commitments to other people that you’re just not making time for it because you think you can get away with it. But actually you’re noticing that there’s certain things that are coming up again. And again, it might be that you’re not sleeping as well. It might be that your not feeling as fit and your clothes aren’t fitting as well. It might be that you’re frustrated because you keep working longer hours than you want to. But if you don’t make that time, you don’t commit that time. Your diary to these elements of self-care and what’s important to you, you’re going to be forced to take time and it will get to the point when you just have to take, it’s not about self-care being just that nice to have.

Speaker 2 (15:38):

It will come to the point where it’s an absolute necessity. So again, the steps I’m going to share in a minute all about helping you to make that commitment now. And I think the final point is a really interesting one, but it’s about selfish being seen as bad. Selfish is a word that’s just perceived as you are going to just really forget the people around you. You’re going to just only think about yourself. You’re only going to think about your needs, and it’s just got a really, really bad reputation that word selfish. As soon as someone says it, it’s not, anything wants to be accused of. So selfish is just seen as a really, really negative way to behave. But if we see it in a different way is self-care is not selfish, but it’s actually, it’s a good thing because you’re being selfless because you’re actually coming into your world and your day-to-day with more energy, with more excitement, with more passion, you’re role modeling, being a leader that looks after themselves for future leaders, for your team, for the people around you.

Speaker 2 (16:39):

And it’s just that, that idea that actually selfish a little bit of selfish makes you step into all the roles that you have with more energy and excitement and purpose and passion. And how can that be a bad thing? And you’ve been so selfless for so long. It’s actually time to be a little bit selfish. And just in relation to that, where did this idea that selfish is so bad? Come from when I was kind of researching, um, my notes for this podcast today, I was listening to Glenn and Doyle’s podcast, very similar subject around self-care. And she gave this example of when her son and her daughter both been having sleep overs to that house. And she’d gone into both groups. So she’d gone into her son’s friends and her daughter and their friends. And she’d gone into the boys and said, do you want anything to eat?

Speaker 2 (17:28):

And the boys just carried on playing the computer game. And they all in the village individually just said, yes, please that’d be great. And that they didn’t need to ask everyone else. They didn’t doubt themselves. They just checked in with themselves, decided what they need inside. Yeah, actually they were hungry and they didn’t have the uncertainty. They just knew what they needed. Whereas when she went into the group, girls who turned off the TV, who had a little discussion who checked with each other and then said, no, thank you. We’re all fine. And one of the girls replied on behalf of everyone, everyone. I just sense that these little girls were looking outside of themselves, what they needed. They didn’t have that certainty. They didn’t have that sense of knowing what they needed as an individual. They look to everyone else straight away. And actually there’s been incidents cited as well as small women choked to death in restaurants because they don’t want to cause a fuss.

Speaker 2 (18:20):

They don’t want to cause a stir. And actually when they start choking on their food, they’ll then go to the bathroom because they don’t want to draw attention to themselves. They don’t want to ask for help. How extreme is that? We’re actually dying of niceness. We’re dying of not saying what we need and what we need to care for ourselves, which is just huge and really the truth about self care. We need a new perspective on it. We need a new perspective and a way of thinking about being selfish, because really selfish is about self care and the deepest staff, not just the physical, but the emotional is about self-love and self discernment in knowing what you need when you need it. And really being that role model of a really strong female leader, who knows what they want and what they need and how to manage themselves to be the best that they can be with the best energy and that excitement and that purpose and that passion.

Speaker 2 (19:14):

Because when you take care of yourself, you’re going to be more of, you could have more impact. You can have more influence. You’re going to have that really positive impact on everyone, around you. And it’s really the opposite. A tiny bit of selfish, more selfish to kind of almost course correct. This martyrdom is really selfless because everyone gets more of you and Glennon Doyle in this podcast episode talks about being the Joan of arc of your life and really just making huge decisions and committing to what you need. I’m just setting fire to what you don’t need and spalling, really making some big, bold steps to know, give yourself what you need when you need it fall back in love for your life and your career. So quick run free five steps right here right now to start to implement some self more self care as a female leader.

Speaker 2 (20:04):

And again, don’t judge yourself away. You are, you are where you are. Don’t be hard on yourself, but start today, start to become the joke Joan of arc of your life and start to become that selfless selfish. So 0.1. Think about yourself. Kat. Now really start to check in with yourself daily on what you need. What is that sense of how you’re feeling, what you need today? How is your energy today? So at the beginning of your day, a super simple way to this at the beginning of your day, just ask yourself, how am I feeling today? What do I need today? How am I going to make sure that I give that to myself today? So you high energy and you want to go and exercise. Are you a lower energy? And you need to go make some time to rest that day, train yourself and understand what you need to understand what you need when you need it.

Speaker 2 (20:54):

Step number two is really think about your non-negotiables. So what are the things in your week that set you off to have a great week where you feel on fire? What are the things that you know that are absolutely non-negotiable that just have to go in your diary that just have to happen. That is different between a great week and a week that it’s just another week just passing by Burke, those things in your diary and honor them. Like you would a meeting honor them. Like you would a board meeting. It’s a board meeting with yourself and make sure those non-negotiables become exactly that. And don’t be scared of saying no and setting boundaries to protect those, which leads me on to step number three, which is boundaries and saying no. So there’s so much talk about that. That’s going to be a whole nother episode next week.

Speaker 2 (21:40):

So look out for that one, but just to start with thinking about where you you’re feeling frustrated or resentful in doing something and know that there’s either a boundary that needs to be set there, or there’s a no that’s just should have happened. That hasn’t happened. So we’re going to talk about more about that next week though, step number five is create a Loveless. This is a simple, as it says on the 10, this is all about just sitting down and creating a list of things that you love. So this isn’t about, wow, what you love as a family, what you love friends, what do you love doing? What? Just set your heart alive? What do you just love to just the time, just flies by and it’s to that some time, um, really just nurturing your soul rather than every single role you have.

Speaker 2 (22:25):

And think about that. When you write your love lists, what is in my soul rather than just about the roles that I have that help you think about yep. There she is. This is what I need. This feels brilliant. So create that love list and book those things in to your diary and really honor them. And then stat number six is really about planning your weeks and owning your diary. So it’s all about helping your diary to happen for you rather than to you. So where are you giving too much? Where do you need to set some boundaries? Where do you need to say no? Where do you need to duck out of the meeting? Where do you need to delegate something and plan your weeks planning those non-negotiables planning, those things that you love doing and really make those weeks happen for you not to you.

Speaker 2 (23:11):

So a quick summary of today is really time for female leaders to find a new way to look at self-care self-care, isn’t selfish. Self-care is actually selfless, and we really need to just change that sense that we need to give so much of ourselves, that it’s nothing less, but really to understand your needs. And when you need it, I’m really define what self-care means to you and really own it because in owning your self care, you can have even more impact and you can have even more influence and really shift from selfless to selfish is at the heart of it. So that’s it for this week. If you would like any more of my help, I have a free, overwhelmed on fire. Five step guide, or you can sign up to my newsletter or you can drop me a message. Find out more about working with me. All of those links are in the show notes. And then next week we’re going to be talking. We’re going to be building on everything we spoke about today by talking about break boundaries and saying, no, thanks so much. Bye.