Speaker 1 (00:09):

[inaudible]

Speaker 2 (00:10):

Hello and welcome to episode number 17 of female leaders on fire podcast. I’m your host, I’m Nicole Buckley. And I am the coach for women working at the top of the corporate world that help them find their fire gangs. So that passion, that purpose Sykes site. So they can have more impact, more influence and income as a result, but also be a real force for good to make a real difference in the corporate world. So today I’m going to be talking about something that I know that so many women struggle with that it’s not, it’s not something that’s talked about as much as it should be. It’s not something that’s understood in the way that it should be. And it’s something that we almost internalize it and we make it about ourselves. So today I’m going to be talking about all about silencing, um, understanding that negative inner critic, because I see women at the top.

Speaker 2 (01:00):

I work with them day in and day out, incredible women that are absolute forces for good, but they faced two challenges. Women have faced a double challenge. So first of all, there’s the fact that the corporate world is very much still a man’s world and the stops and the structures, and culturally and socially, everything fits around that and it being a man’s world. So there’s this challenge of getting past all of that and the fight to get to the top of the ladder. But the second part of our challenge is ourselves and us being responsible for getting to where we want to be on a big part of the challenge with that, that internal challenge of light, rather than that cultural challenge is all own inner voice, that negative critic, who are you to do this? What are you saying? You’ve got that role. You’re going to fail.

Speaker 2 (01:53):

You’ll make a fool of yourself. People will laugh at you. You’re not good enough to do this. You don’t have the right qualifications. You don’t have the experience that also can then lead into imposter symptoms of perfectionism or procrastination of overwork, of being hyper hyper-critical. And so many women that I work with and myself included. We could literally call ourselves our own worst enemy. Not only do we find women at the top face, that challenge of really getting past the cultural and the structural hurdles to get to the top. But also this is a huge way that we hold ourselves back. It’s a huge way of another fight that we have. We have the external fight to get to where we want to be and getting past all those challenges and the subconscious biases and the going off on maternity leave and what you come back to and wanting to take time to care for your family.

Speaker 2 (02:48):

How do you balance family and home, all of those challenges yet also there’s this huge internal challenge as well. And that internal, that internal negative critic can then also lead you into almost those behaviors of hustling and proving, demonstrating your value and your worth constantly that leads into perfectionism and reviewing the email again and again and again, and it never feeling good enough, or like it’s going to alarm them the way that you want to or procrastinate because you’ve got so much to do because you’re, over-giving because you’re saying yes, because you’re scared of saying no, because your inner critic doesn’t want you to, or overworking over. Given that we talked about in episode 15 or just being hyper hyper-critical and you’ve just had an incredible day and so much has gone well, and your board presentation went incredibly well, and you’ve got great feedback, but there’s one element that you didn’t say in the way you wanted to, and that becomes your focus and all of this.

Speaker 2 (03:42):

Again, at least to us measuring women at the top, leading them to measure their value and worth externally. And when you measure value and worth externally, by comparing by qualifications, by your salary, by your job title, you will never feel enough. So the negative inner critic is an internal battle and internal challenge to get to for a woman getting to the top and staying at the top. So what I want to share with you today is, is really that this is all from within your value and worth is from you. It flows from your beliefs and your frameworks of how you see yourself and in the context of the world. And actually what I’m going to take you through today is your inner critic house, a job to play your inner critic is actually doing something brilliant for you. It’s actually your greatest fan and supporter.

Speaker 2 (04:35):

It’s just really misunderstood. So today I’m going to be sharing. What is the job of your inner critic? What is the impact of it’s just left to run and how to work with your inner critic for her to become your inner coach or your inner leader? So my goal and intention for today is really to help you to understand what, what your inner critic, what their job is, how to work with them more, but also to help you as Bernie brown would say help you talk to yourself, like someone that you love. So a loved one. So your family, your partner, your dog, and really the measure of success for me today is you starting to talk to yourself like you would, someone that you love, so let’s get started. So first of all, let’s just really get into how your inner voice, how that negative inner critic really can affect you.

Speaker 2 (05:23):

So I’m just going to share some examples to share some client stories as well. So if I go back to my corporate career, my, my time in the corporate world 10 years ago now, would you believe I spent 16 years in corporate marketing? So I was responsible for running multi-million pound launches for big household names. So my inner critic would run right over me. My inner critic ruled me. My current inner critic just drove my behavior and I won it clean. My inner critic really helped me to see less of myself. And I devalued myself by behaving by the behaviors that were driven from it. So my inner critic would say to me, things like, who are you to do this? Who are you to run this huge multimillion power launch? Or if I needed to call someone out on their behavior to challenge something or to, to really tell someone that something that they’ve shared was incorrect.

Speaker 2 (06:18):

I, my inner critic would go into overdrive because I would be scared of being judged. I would be scared that I wouldn’t be liked, or my inner critic in relationships outside of work. My inner critic would be who used to be loved. Who are you to, why would someone love you as you are right now? And that voice became louder and louder, louder. And that voice is very restricted for me. That voice kept me small. That voice kept me doubting myself. That voice was the opposite of confidence. It pulled me back. It kept me small. It made me doubt myself and actually that voice, that internal battle between externally what I was hearing, getting great positive feedback. And my own internal perception of myself was very much shaped my, my own inner critic. So that meant that I just, I struggled to pick my handle for promotions.

Speaker 2 (07:07):

I would go into personal development views. Like I was going into battle ready to defend myself. It meant that I would be first in and last out, especially during launch times. And I would give so much of myself. And actually my inner critic was so fierce that I just, there was never going to be a point that I was enough. There was never going to be point that I was doing enough and I just let her run the show. And if I think about my clients, I’ve also had clients that are incredibly hard on themselves and actually you’ll avoid it. Your inner critic, your inner voice can run in one of two ways. And it can be your biggest critic that is negative and pitch you down. And it’s, it’s almost like a dripping tap effect that it’s constantly there. It’s constantly chipping away at your confidence is constantly pulling you down is constantly just being negative and, uh, fearing the worst for you.

Speaker 2 (08:02):

And it’s cold and it’s unrelenting and it’s harsh. And that’s your world. That’s your world and how you experience well, that’s where you drive behavior from or tips. I’m going to give you today. Your inner critic can be, become an inner voice. That is that as Brittany Brown says, speak to yourself like you would someone that you love. So your inner critic becomes a voice and inner voice of Kat and compassion and love. It becomes your inner coach. It becomes your inner leader. So there is a potential for that. So let’s start by looking at what is the job of your inner critic? What is the actual job that they are there to do? So a very basic neuroscience level. If we go back to the three parts of the brain that we’ve talked about before, our very first part of the brain that developed was our animal brain.

Speaker 2 (08:49):

So that’s at the very base. If you just feel on the back of your head and you feel a little knobbly bit, and you go down from there in, within your school, that’s your brainstem. And the animal part of the brain is in that same place. Animal part of the brain is only responsible for your safety. It is responsible for making sure that you wake up tomorrow morning is responsible for making sure that you put your safety first and you step away from danger so that our species human species can keep growing and developing. So that part of the brain is incredibly fast. It’s incredibly reactive. It’s inquiry, overrides anything else in the brain. And it just puts safety at the heart of everything. And it means that things that are potentially dangerous for us, a highlighted and just become the absolute focus and things that are, uh, positive.

Speaker 2 (09:40):

Actually, it doesn’t matter because that doesn’t link to safety. So what it means is that brain actually has three biases. So those three biases, first one being the biggest one out of that is negativity. So the brain will only focus in on something that’s negative because it is potentially putting us in danger. So if you think about when you’ve had a great day, you’ve had a great day, your board presentation has gone incredibly well. You’ve got great feedback, but there’s one thing that you didn’t cover. One thing you didn’t say in the way that you wanted to, you just focus in on that. And actually there was experiments that were done where a video was shown of a family, go home for Christmas and they will sing. And they were happy. And car was full of presence. They how the Christmas tunes on [inaudible] was say, driving home for Christmas.

Speaker 2 (10:29):

And they just stopped the video at some point, at that point, when there was all this joy and all this happiness and stopped that certain point and then ask people that were watching it, what happens next? 90% of people said that something awful happened like a lorry pilot into them, or they came off the road or the tire went and they ended up rolling and crashing. And it’s just a gang, that negative behavior. So this, this bias that the brain has for negativity is inherent within all of us. It’s the biggest part of our hard wiring and anything that’s negative overrides, anything that’s positive. So the easiest way to think about this is that the brain is like Teflon for the positive. It just slips away. It’s not as important. And it’s like Velcro for the negative. So it sticks. It’s the most important. It becomes absolute focus.

Speaker 2 (11:17):

So really the, your voice, your negative inner critic, their voice is effective. The voice of your animal brain, your negative inner critic is trying to keep you safe. It’s trying to make sure you wake up tomorrow morning, making sure you don’t get hurt, that you don’t die in some horrible accident. And the way that I’ve started to think about my negative inner critic. Now, it’s almost like a, if you’ve got a mum figure, or if you’ve got a friend or you’ve got an auntie that’s super protective of you and is overly cautious. So I think about my mum, probably not now, but earlier, earlier in my life, my mum would wrap me up in cotton ball a little bit. So I think my negative inner voice now almost is like my guardian angel and bless her. She’s there to keep me safe. And she’s asked to just point out anything that could endanger me, but I acknowledge her and I don’t need to keep listening to her.

Speaker 2 (12:10):

So if you think of your 60,000 thoughts a day and actually 95% of those subconscious and about 80% of those are negative every day, you’re facing that negative inner critic. So know that you’re not alone, know that this is perfectly natural and normal and know that actually there’s a lot that you can do to work with her now that you understand her job. And really her job title is guardian angel. Her job title is protector of your realm. Her job title is safety officer. It’s just that she does it in such a overt way, in such a way that takes over that. It’s very easy to let it become all consuming. And another really important way to think about this is almost a separate that voice as well from you and who you are. So what do I mean by that? So if this is the voice, this is a voice of your animal brain.

Speaker 2 (13:02):

This is voice of your safety conscious guardian angel. It does not make you who you are. It does not define who you are is simply, almost think of it as a tape recording, playing over and over again. That’s been triggered by something that is for you potentially going to take you into something that feels uncomfortable is and safe, potentially puts you in danger. And also know that our reactions, that voice was designed for time when we lived in a time of dinosaurs and saber-tooth tigers and money, seeing animals on our planet, not at a time now where actually that same mechanism is triggered by having a debate with our boss or an awkward conversation with a peer or being passed over the promotion that you thought was yours. The reaction is the same, but we don’t need to just separate out who you are from how you’re feeling, separate out who you are from what that negative inner voice is saying to you, because remember they are always there all your God in Asia, they’re always going to, they’re always going to side on the air of caution there, that overzealous over caring, trying to wrap you and cold some wall and keep you small to keep you safe.

Speaker 2 (14:10):

So what can you do to understand now that you understand your inner critic a lot more, what can you actually do? What can you do to work with her rather than work against her? So if you don’t work with her, where what’s the impact going to be, the impact is potential. You’re not putting your hand up for the probation’s. The impact is that she is going to just lead to you, just having less and less competence over time. She is going to lead you to comparing to others. She is going to lead you to just really keeping you small and not putting yourself forward for that big opportunity or that promotion or that next job role. So it’s really, again, it’s that understanding and knowing that it’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility to change it. So here’s five things that you can do to start to really, now that you understand her more, you can start to work with her more.

Speaker 2 (15:01):

So point number one is to name her. And again, this is to separate her from defining who she is and really internalizing the feelings and the things that she’s saying to you. So remember, she is a voice of your animal brain. She’s the voice of your safety conscious guardian angel. So give her a name, work with her and identify her and just know when she’s speaking and when it’s her. So for example, I call my negative inner critic. I call a mod blesser mold is very well-meaning. Mort is very much concerned about just me being safe, me being secure. And she she’s just, she’s just overbearing with her. She’s just a bit overly keen that that’s the only thing in my life is staying safe. Whereas actually it’s not. And actually naming her and giving her the name Maud, please no more to the world, but offended.

Speaker 2 (15:51):

It was just something that kind of leaped into my mind. When I was thinking about this, a mod, it just lessens her impact. It separates her from me. And it also means that I’m not defining me and what I can do and what I’m capable of as a leader. I’m not defining that by what this voice is saying to me and what this voice is telling me. So by naming her, you just immediately you’re lessening her impact. You’re starting to understand her more. You’re starting a dialogue with her rather than her just ruling. And you thinking it’s you, this gives you that point of separation. So point number one is, think about naming her. I’d love to know what your names are. Point number two is notice her when I say notice are just one of the times when that voice gets louder. When are the times when it feels really restrictive, one of the times when she’s just, it feels like she’s owning you and you internalize those feelings.

Speaker 2 (16:44):

So really start to notice those trends or patterns of behavior. So does she just suddenly starts to take over and yell louder, louder when you’ve got a big meeting or when you’ve got a challenging conversation or when there’s something that’s read outside of your comfort zone and start to notice her and what she’s saying, what are the words that she’s using? What are the things she’s coming back to and start to think about where those might come from. And when you start to notice her, you can almost start a dialogue with her. So you can start to tell her, thank you. I understand that. I appreciate, but actually I know that I’m safe because of these reasons. And another great thing that you can do is really empower. You can start to know surfery journaling even starts a conversation with her. Start a dialogue with her, start to think about where you’re not feeling safe way you might’ve triggered old feelings or where there might be a belief or story that’s not serving you.

Speaker 2 (17:37):

So start to really notice her and start to listen to her. I don’t mean less than, as in internalize and take on her views, the, her feelings. I mean, no, sir, as in acknowledge her point, number three is change her role. So write her a letter. And again, this might sound like a strange thing, but if you’ve named her and you’re noticing her now start to change our relationship with her. So write her a letter, tell her how you’re feeling, tell her how you want your relationships to be redefine that relationship with her. And what are you going to do to help her to feel safe? What are you going to do when she’s yelling really loud in your ear, restricting you? How can you step into more expansive thoughts together? How can you move forward in a way where your team? So for example, like I said, my inner critic is now a really, she’s a safety conscious guardian angel.

Speaker 2 (18:27):

So we now work together. I help her to feel safe and she lets me get on with my job. She lets me get on with growing. She lets me get on with being a leader. So right that less her and break it down into what impact has she had on you? Give her a name, will impact how the new, when does she tend to be loudest? How are you going to work with, uh, how do you acknowledge her and what do you want to thank her for? So that’s point number three, sounds way, way, sounds a bit weird, but on the state, this is really, this is just processing all of this information. This is just really another way of having awareness of the impact of this inner critic on you. Point number four, what is your first memory of her? So where does she come from?

Speaker 2 (19:08):

So it was there a particular family thing that happens something that your parents, something with a family friend or something at school, where does she come from? Was there a particular scenario? Was there something that just was very, very emotional for you? That was incredibly powerful. That it’s just really bedded in that is everything around not feeling enough and demonstrating your value and worth and really trying to get past that inner critic and all your behaviors that flow from it. So it’s a particular memory is a particular belief that flows from that memory. What are the triggers? What does the language that he uses? What’s the energy that you feel as a result and how does it make you feel about yourself? So really dig into what is there really to get into and know that actually the wound is the place where the light enters.

Speaker 2 (19:58):

So it’s really important to understand that you now as a, this incredible female leader, you’re still living by belief frameworks from when you were a child and we’re looking at beliefs a whole different episode, but just for now, go back to your first memory and really be curious and open as to where she’s come from and why she’s there and why she uses particular words or languages. Find a point in point number five is, think about a pattern interrupt. So when she starts to take over, when she starts shouting really loudly in those more restrictive sports, how can you get more into expansive thoughts? So for example, I know for me a great pattern interrupt is if she’s got, almost got my ears, I can pick my eyes onto something that’s really, that makes me feel all that makes me feel expansive. That makes me feel really positive.

Speaker 2 (20:45):

So it might be going in and watching a sunset. For example, it might be going somewhere that I love it might be going for a swim. So my pattern interrupts and an immediate pattern, interrupt contributors, be as simple as cancel, cancel, cancel, or thank you, but I don’t need this. I appreciate, and I hear you, but I’m okay. I’m safe. So really think about what is your pattern interrupt going to be. And also at times I tend to use EFT and I tend to use tapping or just have a Hab on my wrist and just, just pull it and let it just interrupt that fall. So you’re literally stop in the train of subconscious thinking and also think about as part of that, what is a new voice? What is a, how can you reverse a role? How can you flip roles? So actually, like I said, for me, it’s a safety for safety, conscious guardian angel and overly overly conscious of that at times.

Speaker 2 (21:37):

So pattern interrupt and a new voice. So what’s the language you want to say, a news to yourself. What do you want to say to her to reassure her that you’re safe? How can you get back into more expansive thoughts that at the heart of your leadership rather than the restrictive is of her voice. So really think about reversing the role and flipping the roles and as part of that, that pattern interrupt, and then stepping into you, owning and driving how you’re feeling and what you’re saying to yourself again. So like I said, it is a conversation we would say, thank you, appreciate I appreciate your thoughts, but I am safe. So that’s it for today. So just, just a recap from our episode today, but first of all, women face that double challenge at the top. So it’s the structural and the cultural challenges and hurdles to overcome, but also ourselves.

Speaker 2 (22:25):

And within that, our inner critic is part of that challenge of that battle we face from within. So that leads us to thinking that we’re less than we are, and that it creates that perception gap between externally, how we’re seen as female leaders, very capable, very driven, brilliantly impactful versus our own internal perception of who am I to do this. I’m going to fail. I’m going to make, it’s just going to go wrong. And that inner voice has a job. That job is safety first. So it’s the animal part of the brain. It’s the voice of our animal part of our brain. And then we’ve looked at ways that we can, now that we understand them, or you can work with her more. So naming her, noticing her, changing her role by writing her letter, that first memory and where she came from, and then that pattern interrupt.

Speaker 2 (23:08):

So their inner critic has a job. She has a role to play in your team and your leadership team, but naming, noticing and changing her role can help really reset where you are and have a huge impact on your impact and influence as a leader. So that’s it for today. If you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed, they feel you’re more equivalent is overwhelming you at the moment, you can download my overwhelms on fire, a free guide or the detail about in the show notes. If you’d like some help on working with this, and you would like to talk about working with me to really focus on this or my contact details are in my show notes. So that’s it for today. And in our next episode, we are going to be talking about really how, what the great resignation means. So what is the truth behind it? And I’ve got an incredible guests and we’re going to talk about the truth behind the great resignation, what it means for women at the top. So that’s it for today. I will speak to you on our next episode, Dubai.