Nicola: [00:00:00] it’s either female leaders on fire podcast. I am your host, I’m Nicola Buckley. And I work with women at the very top of organizations and future leaders, helping them to find their fires, that purpose, that passion. That excitement so they can be a real force for good and drive change in corporate organizations.

So today I am super excited to say quick catch up for me, first of all. So it’s been a very busy time at Nicholas school co-coaching so I’ve got some great opportunities and potential to work with some great organizations at the moment. So I’ve just finished a couple of corporate contracts, so we’re just in the review process and then setting up what’s next.

Uh, that’s my final fire female leadership. Also interesting looking at how that can be adapted to being rolled out to men across organizations as well. So they could be real [00:01:00] allies and also looking at a couple of opportunities around international women’s day on the 8th of March and a couple of brand new VIP clients who have actually been coming into my amazing new offices.

So it’s been very, very busy here. So it was exciting day-to-day to be able to sit down and focus back on the podcast and plan out the next few months. So I’ve got some really brilliant episodes lined up for you. I have some incredible guests and I’m also going to be recordings, um, mini series. So the mini series is, are going to be smaller, shorter podcast episodes, and we’ll deep dive into particular subjects.

So. For example, I’m really, really excited about putting together one on how to read your mind. So how women at the top can use neuroscience to understand themselves more and have more impact and influence also number one, around creating a coaching culture within your team and within your organization.[00:02:00]

And another one around just a self-coaching and understanding what coaching actually is and what it can do for you. So keep a listen out for those, and we’ll let you know when they’re going to be released and at home as well. So we are now busy starting to plan our wedding for September. So this is our fourth date and our fourth.

So I’m super excited for that. And we are starting to make some real plans. We have the tasting in a couple of weeks, which are can’t wait for, and I’ve started work with a nutritionist as well, which is proving to be just really brilliant to bring me back to focusing on moving more on what I’m eating and just really putting myself first.

I think that’s going to be a whole nother episode for the podcast about prioritizing yourself. So have listen out for that one. You do have any suggestions for episodes. Please email me all the details are in the show notes, but it’s Nicholas Nicholas school code.com. And if you haven’t done already, I would love you to rate the podcast to review it, write us a [00:03:00] review.

And all of that really helps us to be found by more women. And we’ve actually had our busiest month of downloads in December and then in January as well, which is amazing. So I’m super excited for this year. Um, what is going to bring for the podcast, but moving on. So for today’s focus, today’s podcast is going to focus all about perfectionism.

And this is a subject that comes up again and again for my clients, but it was something I wanted to cover because for me, I mentioned working with nutritionist, but I had some perfectionism around. So I’ve been talking on and off to this brilliant lady for a few months and we’d obviously moved house.

And then we had some real challenges. When we first moved back home, then I had a COVID of Christmas, so that wasn’t an opportunity. And then in recovery, and really, I was just having perfectionism around the right time in and perfectionism around just wanting to do it. All right. And since. Said yes. And I’ve made the investment and have started with [00:04:00] that focus.

We’ve had our first meeting. We’ve set out a plan because I can see the progress because I can see things starting to shift and change. And my energy is better than it’s been for a long time. And just let go of that perfectionism. But I know perfectionism is something so many women struggle with women at the top really, really struggle with.

And it’s something that will really hold you back. If you’re always looking for perfect. Over-programmed. And I think for me for a lot of my life, I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to have the perfect body and I became a fitness model and I ran a gym for a long time, but I’ll tell you more about that. In another episode, I wanted the perfect relationship and I’ve been married before and I picked my husband and myself and a lot of pressure for that to be perfect.

I. Wanted the perfect house. And I would take so long deciding that it just took all the pleasure out of something because I wanted it to be right. And I wanted the perfect car when I was in corporate world. But [00:05:00] again, it took so long to decide that I just lost. I lost some of the pleasure in the decision.

And then when I was on my own and wanted to have the perfect holiday and know that I’d done it in the perfect way. All of this, trying to be perfect, made me miserable. It really held me back and it kept me small. It kept me in chains, call it the chains of perfectionism and so many women at the top that I work with.

Now, they know this feeling and you might well know this feeling and you have this vision. You have this big, bold vision and aspiration of how your life should be. And some of that is set by you, but more of that is also set by the standards that you see daily in the media, on social media and from our family and the judgment of your peers and those around you.

For example, The Instagram models that are just, they’re just making changes to their body and how things, how they’re seen. So it’s really hard. And I know for me, when I was in my fitness model [00:06:00] days, I would just always be comparing myself. I was never. Then enough, I was never in shape enough. And actually the day ironically that I stood on stage at my fitness model competition, I was on the world’s smallest bikini.

I had absolutely nobody hat. Um, so the, I would have really. Defined lines. It’s a whole process you go through. I might have to share that in another podcast, I stood on stage and I had my makeup done. I’d had my head. Um, I had a tan, oh, it was tottering around on shoes that were way taller than anything I would normally wear.

In some ways that was the best I’d ever looked. But actually, if you look in my eyes, I look tired. I look sad. I look to slip it like a rabbit in the headlights. And I was judging myself against standards that weren’t rail. I was judging myself against the Instagram models who have their pictures taken, but they can be edited into anything that they want to be.[00:07:00]

I just, I kept judging myself. I kept putting myself down, so it was never going to be enough, but those standards, we set ourselves on real. So when you’re looking at yourself or your something that you’ve worked on and the self doubt starts to creep in, you judge it against. Perfect. And you start to doubt yourself and you fall out of love with.

And then that self-doubt starts flowing. So you have this benchmark perfect something. Isn’t perfect because life isn’t perfect. And then that self doubt starts sort of flowing. What if it’s not good enough? What if my presentation is wrong? What if they say it’s rubbish? What if they find me out that I’m not good enough?

Who am I to do this? I can’t do this. It’s too scary. I don’t know why I’m bothering, I’ll only fan anyway. And then you start to feel like a failure. Then you kick your own hours. Then you give up only for you’ve gone through all of [00:08:00] that internal monologue and that experience I don’t need for it to be a huge success.

The presentation was great. You’ve got the budget that you wanted. You got the job. You’ve actually done something. Amazing. And there’s this incredible quote from Elizabeth Gilbert when I was doing some geeky research on perfectionism and I just loved this quote, perfection is just fair in fancy shoes and a mink coat.

So it’s just like, it’s just fair dressed up. So what I’m going to cover today, I’m going to talk about what is perfection. Um, then I’m going to talk about the three types of perfectionism. Then I’m going to share some stats with you. Then I’m going to focus on why women at the top really struggle with perfectionism.

Then I’m going to give you some top tips to help you overcome. So let’s start at the beginning. What actually is perfectionism? So psychologists defined perfections of cysts, constant striving for. To be flawless, to be perfect [00:09:00] in all areas of your life. I’m really setting targets and setting goals that are unattainable, that are unrealistic, that it means that it will never, ever be enough.

And actually perfection can often lead into anxiety. It can lead into really high levels of self-criticism and it can lead into depression because you think about that benchmark of perfect. Just by actually setting that benchmark of something, having top note to be completely flawless, to be perfect in all areas.

You’re just setting yourself up to fail because it’s not a real thing. And if you actually look up the history of the word perfects, I love etymology. I love geeking out on what was actually mean and what the history is. If you actually look up the history of the word, perfect does not mean what we have given it.

Meaning now, and the openings were around. The WordPerfect being about something being finished, something being [00:10:00] completed, something being ready, and that’s very different to having to be flawless and having to be perfect. So what are the three types of perfectionism? So those three types that psychologists have recognized.

So the first one being, so she prescribed perfection. So this one individual believes that other others expect him or her to be perfect. It was almost like a pressure. And what I see in a lot of my clients is what I call almost the golden child or the good girl mentality. So when they were growing up, they were expected to be the one that did well at school that then would go on to university, get a great job.

And they had all these heavy expectations. So the framework, a belief that they have now is that they still need to be that they still need to be that perfect daughter. They still need to achieve, they still need to hit. Just really be always striving, always looking for more. So there’s this huge pressure that comes with this socially prescribed perfectionism.[00:11:00]

And for a lot of my clients, we spend time and picking the beliefs that are from having two. Growing up with that framework of either being the golden child, you were the good one. You always did the work or being the good girl. So that’s an example of socially prescribed perfectionism. Then there’s another form of perfectionism, which is self orientated.

Perfection. So, this is where you impose these unrealistic unattainable standards or perfectionism flawlessness on yourself. And that is very much led internally. It comes from within. And what it means is that you may never be satisfied with your effort. It might never be enough for. And then the final type perfectionism is other oriented perfectionism.

So it is focused on others. So this is where you hold super high standards for other people. So such as family, such as friends or peers or coworkers, [00:12:00] You have such high standards that people will fail because they’re human because they’re flawed because we all have abs and flows of life. So those are your three types of perfectionism.

So what would be brilliant is almost have a thing. If you struggle with perfectionism, if some of this is resonating with you, is it that socially prescribed? Fascism. So what others expect you to be? Is it that self orientated perfectionism that comes from within, or is it other orientated profession? So you have super high standards for other people.

So we’ve covered wise perfectionism talk about the three types of perfectionism. Now just wanted to share some stats because perfectionism seems to fit much more with women at the top than it does with. And there’s some stats to back this up. So if you are struggling perfectionism, you’re certainly not alone.

And this isn’t about women being victims. This isn’t about men versus women. This, these are just the stats based on research that I found when I was prepping for today’s episode. So there was a, a [00:13:00] huge survey done in Australia that was covered 5,000 workers and they answered a series of questions. They also wore heart monitors.

They went about their day. Um, from that research that he put 80% of the women struggled with. Well, it’s only 21% of men struggle with perfectionism and leading on from that women would also be much more likely to criticize themselves. So 44% of the women would self criticize and only 34% of men because perfectionism often leads onto self-criticism and being hard on yourself, not that harsh voice.

And then finally, For that could then lead on in time as well to clinical anxiety. So one in four women struggled with clinical anxiety at some points, 15% of men and the other interesting stat. And when I was doing the research, you said perfectionism is increasingly common. So in the younger generation, so two and five children now show perfectionist tendencies.

So they are less focused [00:14:00] on fun and play and just growing up as children and can struggle a bit more with not feeling good enough feeling like they’re comparing themselves, picking themselves and depression. And that stat just really shocked me because this is something that needs to change. This is a cycle that needs to be broken and hopefully that you I’d love you to be part of that.

So what is the truth about perfectionist? What is actually saying behind perfectionism. And this is where I’m probably gonna get on a bit of a soapbox because I really want, I really, really want you to step away from this. If this is keeping you small, this is holding you back and this is how you can start to make a change.

So if we go back to the meaning of the word, perfect means finished and completed and ready. And you can be that every day and not have to be perfect. I’m not perfect. Not at all, but I show up, I change lives. I coach my clients. I do that every day in a hugely powerful [00:15:00] way. And rather than making myself have to be perfect, I’m accepting of myself as I am right now.

I know that I’m not perfect. I know that I can take on too much and not get everything done. I know that I can talk too much and not actively fully listen. And that’s something I’ve worked on hugely in my coaching. I know that I can take things personally. I know that I can hide away and struggle to ask for help when I’m overwhelmed.

I know that can start a lot of things and not always be the complete finisher. I know that I can. I fall in love very quickly and very hard. I know that. Very loudly and it can be distracting. And I know it can also be a little bit of a child, a little bit spotty, so I’m fallible, but I, it, all those things are made.

All those floors or those nuances, they all make me, me, and really that fear of not being perfect. It shows it shows and reflects in your life [00:16:00] and holding back your ideas. And not speaking up in meetings and not sharing or ambitions with your boss and not asking for that promotion or that pay rise and not stepping into that.

Being the absolute leader and at his heart, perfection is the fear of not being enough on steroids. It’s just not enough less dressed up in fancy shoes. Perfect does not exist apart from, in our own minds. And what is perfect for one person is a nightmare of the other. So there’s no such thing as perfectionism because nothing is perfect.

Perfect. This idea of perfect is subjective. It’s, it’s different in every person and it just doesn’t exist. And we’ve led perfect meanness, flawless faultless abbess exemplary, absolute, and anything less than that, isn’t actually enough. That feeling of just needing to be perfect means that you’re shying away from your greatness.

You’re refusing to fry and you’re choosing a lesser life. And I really want you [00:17:00] to challenge you on this. You’re not applying for that job. You’re not asking for the pay rise. You’re not asking. To go part-time you’re not trusting your voice. You’re not leading with your intuition, but the news flash here is ladies.

No one is perfect. None of us without our flaws and faults. In fact, they are those things that you might feel make you weaker and not as good a leader, or you’re just really conscious of, or feel some shame about they are. What makes you, you, and it might sound like a bit of a cliche, but we’re all in perfectly perfect.

All of those things, they make you that lovable, goofy, big hearted bundle of complications and constructions that people fall in love with. So I know that I have things I’m not perfect with, but I love all of those. Now I own who I am, a sat two. I am, and I’m fallible. But those things that make me fallible make me lovable and all of those floors and those nuances, they [00:18:00] make me me.

So, what I would really love you to think about instead of this focus and this drive to be perfect, focusing on knowing yourself and being yourself. And that means the more you can step into that, almost imagine it like putting on a coat, the more that you put that coat that feels good to you, that fits you.

You don’t have to chase being perfect, whichever type of perfection you struggle with. You don’t need to compare or judge yourself. Instead, you can smile. You can stand proud and soul behind who you are and feel safe in being yourself. When you start to step into that, and this is what I help all my clients with my find your fire processes, very, very different as a leadership model, because it takes you deep into knowing who the heck you are and what you want out of life.

And that gives you the peace and certainty of knowing who you are, it centers and anchors you in, who you are. It gives you the compassion and courage level that you are in your body. And then it helps you to create that [00:19:00] freedom to be who you are and lead as that person. So this is beyond being authentic, Selena.

This is simply being yourself as a leader. And that means instead of chasing perfect, that soul destroying method doesn’t exist. What about putting your time, your love and your energy into just chasing being yourself and really identify who you are and what you mum. So my invitation to you is to ditch that myth of being perfect and instead become an absolute expert in you.

So for example, what do I teach? And coach my clients help them to find their value. Yeah. They are your true compass of what a good life is for you? What being a great leader means to you, what are your beliefs? And do they serve you and do they need upgrading? What on, who do you love do more of it? Like that leads you, that that leads your diary and what don’t you want and what don’t you love do less fit or stop.

And what is your leadership definition that doesn’t need to be like anyone apart from you. So now I’ll, I’ll [00:20:00] step down from my soap box a little bit, and I’ll help you. Now, we’re going to go through some top tips to help you move past, being a perfectionist. If you are, this is resonate with you. This isn’t about beating yourself up.

This is not about, it’s a negative thing. This is just an awareness of something that might be holding you. So let’s get into these tips and help you overcome that perfectionism. So the first one is just really focus on your beauty and your brilliance and your boldness. And just every morning when you’re looking in the mirror, when you’re getting ready for work, you’re thinking about the day ahead.

Maybe it’s a packed day ahead. Just take some time just to really look in the mirror and truly look at yourself and just pick one nice thing to say to yourself and just keep doing that every day. And keep having that kind of voice for yourself. Start to shift from being that critic and your inner critic, leading to having an inner coach that’s cheering you on.

That’s nudging you forward. [00:21:00] You might think that it sounds a bit weird where it sounds a bit ridiculous, but we spend more time looking in the mirror. Chris knows south than being positive. If you make this a daily habit, you’re just going to start to see those bits of you that you start to like, and then you can start to.

So that’s number one, number two, write a awesome list. So this is really simple. This is something that I get a lot. My clients do when they’ve, uh, early on, when they start working with me and that’s to write down all the things that you’ve come through and you can just write a top, a piece of paper who already am, and then write down all the things.

That you’ve come through all your wins in life, all the challenges you’ve overcome, all the things that you’re proud of. And just start to read that every day and keep adding to it and adding to it and step into that energy of that awesome live. This is who you already are, and you’re only ever going to grow and you’re only ever become more.

But if it helps, it’s a little bit tougher, but you can [00:22:00] also read that out and not have it as a living document that you keep adding to more and more. Number three is choose your support crew. So spend time with people who lift you up. Um, they may be a little bit further on than you. They might be a peer of yours, or they might be a mentor purchase.

Spend time with people that love you for you and people that are going to cheer you on people that are at work. Say positive things about you when you’re not in the room. People that are going to put you forward for opportunities, people that have your best interests at heart. Also see how brilliant you are and spend time with those people and just really curate relationships.

Be really purposeful, be really proactive in your relationships. If you don’t have a mentor right now, for example, and there’s someone that you really love the way they do things, go and ask them to be your mentor, go and ask them to spend some time with you. There’ll be flattered and. It doesn’t need to be formal.

It can be something that you set up, you set the timings, you set what you want from it. And then it’s [00:23:00] simply a yes or a no. So really choose your support crew. And then number four is, choose your says success. So, this is all about, as you get to know yourself, really decide what for you success looks like, because that’s going to stop you comparing.

That’s going to stop you wanting everything to be perfect. And it’s about finding out what’s important to you and focus there. So imagine this it’s almost like you. Oh. The weight and the measure for your life, the measure of success in your life. So if perfectionism leaves you feeling really low, it feeling pressured, feeling like it’s never enough.

Set up a new measure. Could that measure be the amount of time you spend with your family? Could the measure be delivering a project that you’ve loved working on? So really think about how you can start to choose your own success. And then within that, um, just really identifying your values and just moving towards.

Aligning with [00:24:00] your values and moving away, what takes you away from your values? And if that’s something you’re interested in, that’s something that I work with my clients on helping them find their values. And then finally, it’s just, instead of focusing on perfectionism, this myth that we’ve talked about, just focus on progress.

So focus on those small wins. Focus on. Taking a step forward focus on what’s my next step. So rather than it having to be all or nothing, and so many women that I work with, the women at the top, it’s it’s all or nothing. If they’re either all in and they’re pushing themselves and driving so hard or get to a point where it’s overwhelming, it’s too much.

And then this. So Robin than that, all or nothing. Think about progress over perfectionism. If you think about the great wall of China that can be seen from space. I do get challenged on that sometimes, but I believe it can be seen from space and that was built a brick at a time, but it’s okay. To know that I’m just going to learn other bro.

I’m just going to take another [00:25:00] step, another step forward, another step forward. So let’s have a quick recap. So some principles just to remember, so just really have it in your mind about having that awareness around your profession. So just if you’re at that point of you’re looking at that same PowerPoint presentation again, at what point will it be enough if it’s gone around the business, if it’s approved by people, knowing that actually.

It’s okay. It’s enough. You’re enough. And actually sometimes getting it done and getting it, making progress over perfection is the way to go and not letting perfectionism stop progress. Also reflecting on your progress. So think about where you maybe could have falling into perfectionist tendencies gang, and you’ve stepped away from it.

And the other thing is just really just thinking about your standards. This isn’t about letting your standards slip, but just knowing that. Applaud yourself for contributing something useful in a meeting, congratulate [00:26:00] yourself, or getting for a really challenging presentation. Again, good feedback. I just really start to own and know your standards and a few don’ts as well.

So. Don’t go back and ruminate over things. Don’t always think how it could have been better if you’ve got the budget. If you’ve got the result, if you’ve got what you needed from the meeting enough was enough. Just stop working towards having that goal of perfectionism. That isn’t actually real instead.

Think about what are your measurable targets. So for example, if you work in sales, but you’ve got to the actual target, but it’s not done in a way. Clean, it’s not done in a way where all the, all the money is actually in the bank. It’s not everything is there. Just know that it’s actually it’s enough. You are enough.

And then a final thing is you don’t need to do this alone to, like we said, think about your support crew. So who’s going to give you that support. Who’s going to help you to make this mindset shift. So. That’s it really so around perfectionism. [00:27:00] So just to summarize perfectionism is where it’s that striving for flawlessness for perfectionism in all areas.

It’s not really true thing. Perfectionism is. Different in everyone. So it’s completely subjective. It’s not an actual standard of anything. The word perfect actually used to mean enough and finished and done, and we’ve made it mean absolutely something has to be perfect. So if you’re looking for perfect, just really think about how you’re spending your time, use those tips we’ve mentioned, and I would love to know how you’ve gone to.

If this is something that you’re struggling with right now, if you’re struggling with perfectionism, this is something I’ve helped. Many of my clients get past. Um, and this is something that my focus coaching program is just perfect for where we set a goal together of clearing and overcoming your perfectionism, and then over full calls.

We work together on that. So if there’s something you’re interested, drop me a message. And let me know I’m on email NYCLA, Nicholas scorecard.com or on LinkedIn, [00:28:00] all the details. When the show. And I will see you on the next podcast. Thanks. Bye.

I took about really resonates with you and you love what I have to say. And you have moments and flashes of inspiration from the podcast. I would invite you to get in touch, to find out how I can help you. So individually, that can be through my coaching focus program for my VIP program, depending on how you like to learn and what will suit you, or I can help you in your organization to really help the women that you work with across the organization at all different levels.

And at that very senior level to really feel empowered and to know that they can reach the very, the most senior levels in that organization and to give them the. In who they are and the clarity and what they want to be able to get there. And we do that through workshops, do that through leadership programs, and we can do that.

[00:29:00] Free consulting work. If you are looking for help with any of that, drop me an email nycla@nicholasschoolco.com. The spelling is not the easiest. So all the details were in the show notes results I get for clients. Clients have been promoted twice in the six months we’ve worked together. They’d been invited to join the board.

They’ve gone from redundancy to being offered three dreams. They’ve gone from being pushed out of an organization to going into bigger organization and a bigger role with a bigger. And just a quote from a client that I particularly love. I’ve gone from the pit of despair. When I started working with Nick to just being really happy.

And she is an incredibly empowered leader. Now, if you’re not quite ready for that, you can download my overwhelm to on fire guide the details that are in the show notes, but that really helps you. Stay in your fire. So it helps you to clear your head, helps you to come back to what’s important to you, and it helps you to have that most impact and influence every single day.

It’s a little Quip sheet that you can just go through and take. So go and download that. Or you can subscribe to my [00:30:00] newsletter, which comes out every Friday, which is a Roundup of the week. Really? So what’s going on in my world. What’s the blog for that week, a quick video, that’s going to help your particular subject.

And it’s all about helping female leaders to find their fire and also stats and, and any research from the industry as well. And things that I’m reading the. Um, recommendations that we’re making. So go and subscribe to that. And finally, for the podcast, if you haven’t done so already, I would love you to go and leave us a review and subscribe so that you never miss an episode.

And you’re always going to have the, when that release and doing that as well. Not only helps you, but it also means that we’re going to reach more women and we’re going to be able to start that revolution to helping female leaders, to keep that fire, find their fire and keep it. Keep that passion, that purpose side excitement.

So if you haven’t done that already, please go and do that. Thank you.

It’s not enough to do a good job to leave it to others. I’d hope that your reputation will speak for you when you’re not in the room. Do that for yourself and take it into it. [inaudible].